I’m singing solo next Saturday (for the second time) and if you’ve been reading my blog you’ll know I had stage fright that wrecked my début (though there were others who felt it wasn’t that bad). What to do? Well, I’ve decided to do a diary for the rest of this week, right up until the event. Not here. I don’t want to bear my soul to that extent in public (however small the public).
I used to do Morning Pages religiously. I largely dropped the practice this year and I don’t think it’s done me any good. Morning Pages are a must if you’re a fan of Julia Cameron‘s artist recovery best seller The Artist’s Way. They’re called Morning Pages because you write them every morning (duh!) and you write 3 pages of anything. Basically, what you’re doing is cleaning out your emotional/spiritual/psychic/artistic space of negativity you’ve picked up since the day before, dealing with lifelong negativity issues that surface, so that you have no blocks that day to your creativity. You’re creating for yourself a blank piece of paper to create on, not one already muddied by your inner critic/demons/negative people around you.
So I’m restarting my Morning Pages regime, right now, today. And you know, I haven’t even written anything down today and negativity is peeling away! My inner critic(s) are horrible, vicious, jealous and vile! I spotted one thing right off that I can talk about. What has been happening with me was, if someone walked into the room when I was having a singing lesson, say, it immediately had a negative effect on my voice. I mean, the very next note would be less than my level of perfect. I visualise this as large blue hands squeezing my neck! I was being strangled! That’s the trouble with being prone to images. If you let them, they’ll strangle you!
So that is one issue seen for what it is, faced and dissolved. It’s like that: you’re being at the mercy of a negative image without knowing it. As soon as you have forced it into visibility, phsst! It’s gone! It no longer has any power over you. Now you could go further and try and work out where the image came from initially. I bet these large blue (cyanosed) hands have been around my throat before!
Having cleared that image away immediately released the creative energy it had trapped up within it. I can’t really explain what I mean by this or why I believe this. It’s something I just know. I felt a release. It opened up a space (blank white creative space?) into which a positive flowed. So not only did I get rid of some negativity, I had a realisation which added something to me.
Here’s another realisation. This is not last year. This is this year. This is a different concert. I’m not the same singer I was last year. I’ve had a year’s more training. More familiarity with music and song. My voice is more developed. And I’m a year maturer. I won’t do things this year, performance-wise, that I did last.
I also accidentally had some faith healing a month or so ago. Accidentally? Longish story. Let’s just say that interesting people sometimes fall across my path. Of course, I don’t believe in accident. And through this, I learned that someone had secretly been sending me absent healing! I realised how lucky I was that there are people out who value me.
I am not alone. I am very lucky.
Let me know if you want a word of creative encouragement. You’ve got it!
And if you are reading this, I would really appreciate a word of encouragement for next Saturday! And if you have any tips to conquer performance nerves, don’t hold them back!
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